Across the globe, sixteen hours apart, my mind wanders to no one but you. It has always been you. It started on my trip to Germany, October 2011. On the plane, I caught Woody Ellen’s movie - Midnight in Paris, there was a scene about Salvador Dali, he was my favorite painter of all time, and I saw a painting of his at the SFMOMA, you were there with me that night. You explained it to me, it was called “Unsatisfied Desires”, I was satisfied, that night, with you, by you. Shortly after my arrival in Germany, I was sitting in a Swedish sauna room of a hotel, it was snowing outside, just below the Neuschwainstein castle, and I thought of you. I remembered that you had told me that you were part German. I had just started seeing you, then, I thought, which part of Germany were you from? That was a new beginning, a new romance, and of course I would remember you, of course I would think of you. I rationalized.
I thought of you ever since then. Sometimes when you were away, sometimes when I was away. I thought of you when I was in France, in Sweden, in India, back to Germany again, in Thailand, in Hong Kong, in Czech Republic, in Bali. I thought of you when you were in Switzerland, in Norway, in St. Thomas, in Boston, in Chicago, in New York.
Could two people be in love, and never live together or be together? Could two people be always crossing path, be traveling, but never travel together? Could two people work a few blocks away, socialize in the same city, but never see each other?
Could we fast forward in time, and still feel the same way about the other person, fifteen years down the road?
What if it is not just I, but you also, that suffer from the eternal sunshine of spotless mind? What if there is something in our dynamics that prevents us from moving forward, so that we are always stuck in the same place as we first started, and there we go round and round, feeling exactly the same way abut each other as if it was the first time we met?
In the evenings, when the world is filled with the sound of critters, when the wind blows through the rice field, when the world is dark, borrowing the dim lit porch, when I am the only person who is still awake, in the darkest night, my thoughts are filled with you.
I’m in an island, surrounded by the Indian Ocean. I love the Indian Ocean the most. I love it more than the Pacific or the Atlantic, I love how remote it is, I love that my continents - Europe, Asia and America, where I have set up homes, do not touch Indian Ocean. I love how I can vanish, in this island that is so far away from my homes, yet my thoughts are filled with you, and only you.
If this is not love, then I don’t know what love is.
I like swimming in the infinity pool surrounded by the banana tress, papaya trees and flowering plumeria trees. I like how the passion fruit vines is draped with green passion fruit, and I like how the sound of the nature overwhelms yet calms me at the same time. In the pool, I would look up into the sky, and it’s filled with stars. Inside the living room, I open the floor to floor French door and let the breeze from the farm land to come in. There I am, sitting on a beanie bag, write about this, about how I feel about you, sixteen hours ahead of you, at the other end of the earth. Here, I can finally feel at ease to write.
I have never loved another like I have loved you. Yet I have always wanted so little from you. I am almost afraid of progress. I worry that it would ruin this, whatever this is, it always feels like a brand new beginning with you.
What if I cannot and will not feel anything different than this? What if by failing to make any progress, to advance this relationship to the next stage like a normal, traditional relationship should, we have inadvertently created a loophole in the universe of relationships and we are forever stuck at the beginning? The permanent butterfly-in-your-stomach stage lingers on for the rest of our relationship, for the rest of our lives. Here we are, two and half years later, still feel the same way towards each other as we did when we first met. We have finally been able to defy logic and the inevitability of the dreary ending. Most relationship grows routine, grows mundane, grows tiring, but not ours. We will always live separately, yet blissfully in love with one another.
I used to wonder if I’d ever see you again whenever we part. I used to feel devastated when I did not hear from you for an extended period of time. I used to cry when I feel that you did not want me any more.
One day I realize that no matter what, as long as you choose to be in my life, I’d always love you like it was the first day we met. I would be okay with loving you and not being with you most of the time. I would also be okay if you decide to not love me any more and disappear from my life. Because it would be like as if I have never met you.
That was how I know, I must suffer from eternal sunshine of spotless mind. This is the way I will love you, now and until the end.